Going Dark

My love for Jack Bauer and 24 runs deep...and wide. He has two key phrases that he says all the time.

1. You have my word
2. I'm going dark

Now, before I lose all of you who have no idea what I'm blabbing about, let me explain. When Jack says he's going dark, he means he's shutting his cell phone off, taking out the ear piece and getting the job done, without the input/help of his co-workers.

This week, I've had my own version of "going dark."

I mentioned a new book I received. I sat down this weekend and started it, and it didn't take long for me to realize that there was much that I know about being a pastors wife, mom, and friend that was not actually being played out in my life like I desire it to be. Not way off course, but just enough askew that I couldn't shake that feeling of being drained by people, no matter how much I tried to fill myself up in prayer and God's Word, at the end of the day I just felt sort of used-up.

I had to take a good hard look at my days, my relationships and focus to figure out where I was off course. In her book, Lisa quotes a motivational speaker, Jim Rohn who says, "You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with." And I thought to myself, how stinkin' true.

Ministry is tricky. Part of ministry is bearing one anothers burdens, listening, lending support. And when it rains, it pours. I'm not sure why it is, but it is. It seems like those around me are being hit hard right now. I'm thankful to be able to listen, yet when it's coming from all different directions...it's hard to shut it off.

I'm in no way saying I don't want people to come to me...it's not about them, it's about me being able to establish boundaries with the information. Sometimes it's nice to be the one people come to...yet sometimes, they're not meant to come to me.

I took some time to evaluate who my five are. Who are the people that I spend the most time with? Am I allowing it to drain me? Is it balanced the way God desires it to be?

The book also reminded me of my priorities, of my real ministry. I'd lost sight of that, without even realizing it. I'd made my ministry into listening and being there for people. It's not wrong, it's just gotten out of whack, thanks to me.

My first priority needs to be my time with Jesus. I need to be selfish about it. If I answer that phone before my time with Him, then I've just moved Him to less important than ministry.

My husband is next. As his wife, I get to be his biggest support. I help him far more in ministry by being a support to him and our kids, than I do by bearing other's burdens that were not mine to mess with in the first place.

My boys. Man I love them. And if I've spent every last bit of energy on others, they suffer the most...because my patience is just gone. They are the ministry God has given me. The disciplining, the encouraging, the homework, the meals...all of it. It sometimes feels like busywork...but it is God-ordained busywork for me. They are lives and souls that God has entrusted to me. Soon, there will be a baby here, and that is going to require me to dial it in even more. I need to guard my family.

And Julie...a teenager. Uffda. Julie just has 4 months left here with us. There's no doubt God ordained for her to be with our family while in America. Those late night talks, the tears over teenage stuff...she needs me. I need to have enough left to give her.

Extended family, friends and ministry are next. What I need to learn is that all of them are not meant for me to minister to. Discernment is key. Big time.

I guess all the babbling boils down to this: Sometimes, it's necessary to go dark. It's the only time I can hear my Savior softly speak. Otherwise, everyone else's voices tend to drown him out. Going dark is going to be something I implement on a regular basis from now on.

Monday, I will be doing a give-away for Lisa's book, You Can Still Wear Cute Shoes and sharing with you some more stuff that I just love, love, love about this book. And now that I've read it, I think it's a must read for everyone. If you are a pastors wife, it's fantastic, no matter how long you've been in ministry. If you go to church, you need to read it because I think it will help you see your pastors wife in a new way...human. ;) Heck, even if you know a pastors wife you need to read it. Everyone wins. :)

Come back Monday.

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More Than a Bump...

I haven't posted "bump" pictures for awhile.

Mostly because I haven't bothered to actually get myself ready for pretty much the month of January.

I dislike January in Iowa. Bleh.

These pics are already 2 weeks old...That's how long it took me to actually hook the camera to the computer. I think I'm in my own form of hibernation here.

Kinda like Odie.

As you can see...I'm not sure the term "bump" is still appropriate. We're well past the bump stage, heading into the "Wow, when are you do?!?" stage. I get huge. Fourth baby, fourth time getting huge. Been there, done that.

It's just how it is.

Only 11 more weeks to go. The funny thing is...I'm really excited to meet this little baby and all, but I've learned a few things along this journey of motherhood. No matter how huge and uncomfortable I may get towards the end of the pregnancy...it's still WAY easier while the little one is still in there. Way. And, I know I'll miss this huge body once it's gone. I'll miss the feeling of that little one squirming around. So, I'm just gonna enjoy every minute...and eat like a horse.

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Because it Matters...

Can I just say...it has been a week. As in, many friends and loved ones with hard stuff going on in their lives.

Phone calls, emails, lots of feeling helpless to help. Beginning and ending with telling them I'm covering them in prayer...and yet feeling like it sometimes seems insignificant.

And then I came across this in my Beth Moore homework.

We are so culturally indoctinated to be fast-paced, high-energy, hands-on kinds of people that we tend to think of prayer as a passive, nearly "do-nothing" reaction. We tend to pray when we don't know what else to do. Beloved, nothing shakes the heavenlies like prayer. Nothing moves the heart of God more than prayer. Furthermore, I'm not sure anything takes more energy at times than fervent prayer.

Prayer matters...more than anything else.

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It's the Little Things...

It happens occasionally...I awaken from a deep sleep with an overwhelming sense of fear and hoplessness. It usually involves those life circumstances that I struggle to hand over, to relinquish to my Savior...to believe He can do anything in.

It's a spiritual battle. I know it is. The Bible tells me it is.

Last night it happened again. And I found myself praying fervently, in the darkness. Replacing fears with truth. Truth that nothing, nothing is too big for God to handle. No circumstance, relationship, financial situation, etc is beyond His reach. And in the darkness, as I claimed those truths (for the millionth time) His peace replaced the chest crushing hopelessness...and sleep came quickly.

But the battle doesn't end. I awoke early to...

• My husband letting me know the furnace had stopped working sometime in the middle of the night, he'd talked to a good friend and something must be wrong with the gas line. Ben heads off to work.
• I wake up and find that school has a 2 hour delay because of fog (also learn that it's the 6th day in a row without sunshine)
• Call the gas company and they send someone out.
• Teenager comes down stairs ready for school, not knowing that it's a late start. Not happy.
• Two day care kiddos arrive.
• Gas guy comes...gas is not the problem.
• Call friend who can fix the furnace.
• A dear friend calls, a tragic situation has happened in her family that lives far away. My heart hurts for her...
• Load 5 kids up in order to take 2 to school. Buckle everyone in. Gripe under my breath about the cold.
• On the way to school, someone drives right through the yield sign without ever looking...it wasn't super close, but close enough to make my heart pound.
• Get back home unload 2 preschoolers and a 7 month old. Walk into the house to have teenager tell me their ride to school over slept. Load preschoolers and baby back in the van, pick up teenagers friend, and take to highschool.
• Someone calls and needs a babysitter, I say no...which makes me feel bad for not helping.
• Friend comes and takes 5 minutes and furnace is fixed.
• Feed kids lunch, delay nap of 7 month old because...
• in 30 minutes I would need to load 3 kids up again to take one to preschool.
• My head hurts, my back hurts, my pregnant self is tired, my patience is tested...

But in reality, this is an average ordinary day. Sure, some stuff's been a little extra annoying...but nothing too far from the average day. It's life.

And then the realization hits me. It's not the big life-altering situations that bring me to my breaking point.

It's the tiny little ones. The every-day-ordinary ones. The freezing weather, the dishwasher not getting loaded/unloaded, whining, piles, my cell phone that never stops ringing, on and on and on. Nothing significant...until you put it all together.

I know what I should do. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, Knowing is generally not the problem for me...it's the doing.

Looking at the daily craziness of life as a blessing, rather than a huge pain. Some days it's easier to do that...but I want to get to the point where I choose quickly to see the "inconveniences" of life as opportunities instead.

I'm a long way from that point. God has some work to do...I have some yielding to do.

How about you? What brings you to your breaking point?

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Upcoming Giveaway...

Can I just say that the de-lurking post blew. me. away!

83 comments and I didn't even give anything away. You made my day(s) and I'm going to start making the rounds to visit you. Yay for lurkers!

I do have a little preview of an upcoming give-away. Now, listen...I'm not giving it away yet...but it will be coming soon!

Lisa at The Preacher's Wife is going to be sending me her new book, You Can Still Wear Cute Shoes, that will be available February 1st!

Lisa's blog was one of the first I stumbled across when I began blogging. She runs the Married to the Ministry blogroll (which is a great way to find blogs written by wives of guys serving in all sorts of different ministry capacities.) As she was in the process of writing the book, she would occasionally put questions out there for ministry wives to share their opinions or experiences on. My opinions tend to outweigh my experience. But...

I'm even quoted in the book, during the round table discussions. I think that makes me a little bit famous. At least according to my low standards it does. Oooh...I could even give a copy to the tiny town library! Oh wait...I'm the only pastor's wife in tiny town. Three churches in town, one has a woman pastor, one has this pastor's wife, and the other doesn't even want to be called a church but rather an "assembly"...they don't like the term pastor either...I digress.

I had a point. The book, I'm quite sure, is going to be fantastic. And when it's available (February 1st) Lisa is gonna send me one to read, and one to give away.

YAY!

And I'm going to give it away to you. And if you're not a pastor's wife, you can give it to your pastor's wife and then you will be her favorite parishoner (I never use that term, by the way. In real life I would say "lady in her church.")

There is something you can do in the meantime. LifeWay has an excellent description of Lisa's book and a super fun giveaway for you to enter your pastor's wife into. I checked it out (no, I did not nominate myself...I promise) but it is SUPER easy to enter her into, and trust me people...your pastor's wife deserves it. For real.

Did I mention I'm quoted in the book?

Excuse me while I go let God deal with my pride issues...

Happy Monday!!

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Say Hello

I normally pay very little attention to my sitemeter. However, yesterday I decided to check up on my stats and junk. And then I wasted some more time looking through some of my old posts.

And then I started to feel a little bad.

Next month will mark my 2 year blogging anniversary. TWO YEARS. I spent the first year trying to build a group of blog friends. And once that happened, I got totally lazy. I'm lucky to blog twice a week now.

I also realized that the number of visitors a day that I used to have to blog for, now visit whether I've posted or not. And then I thought to myself...poor people. Here they are, clicking over hoping to find something new and instead, there sits the same boring post from 3 days ago.

Sorry 'bout that.

I've gotten lazy about posting, lazy about reading and commenting, and especially lazy when it comes to visiting any new blogs...and I know I'm missing out on some really great people and content.

Time to figure out where I'm going with this thing again. I'm an all or nothing kind of girl. Either I do this, or I don't...but this barely maintaining is just not gonna work for me.

Time to jump back into this! And...I've heard that today is National De-lurking Day...which means if you are one of those lovely readers who reads but doesn't leave a comment because you're sick of my lack of posting, then today is your chance say hello...and then you can go back to hiding, I promise.

Or you can just say hello. And if you blog, then I can come visit you, and we can be friends.

Introduce yourselves.

Happy Day to you!

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Boring

Funny thing about blogging...lots of thoughts in my head equals zero posts.

Probably because all of the thoughts have beginnings, but haven't been totally worked through yet.

And the other thoughts...too boring or random to blog...even for me...yet I'll do it anyway.

• Took the boys bowling for the first time. I know! They'd never been bowling. We're terrible parents. Happy to report I won both games. Turns out I bowl better with a preggo belly. The bad news: I'm still totally sore from it. Sore from bowling...good grief.
• Started and finished (in the same day) Ted Dekkar and Frank Perreti's book House. Weird. Very weird. Turns out, a friend told me it's his worst one...so (at her recommendation) I'm going to read Black next.
• My kids were supposed to have their yearly dental check up last fall. We never made it. Now, with all my prenatal appointments and juggling everyone's schedules already driving me crazy, I've decided to wait until summer to take them to the dentist. Maybe that makes me a bad parent. Oh well...at least they've been bowling now.
• I hate winter in Iowa this year. I do. I've tried to look at the positive side of it, and well...I just can't find one. I think I need some more vitamin D.
• I ran 1.8 miles on the treadmill the other day. It wasn't actually running, more like walking with a hop, but I'm totally counting it. The boys just stood and watched me for a few minutes, because the sight of it caught them by surprise. The sight of their pregnant mama in running gear was a little shocking to their systems.
• Odie smells like rot. I'm not even kidding. He desperately needs a bath...and I desperately wish I was not the one who had to give it to him.
• Wishing will not make him smell better...I've tried.

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