Doubt

It's weird how one moment I can feel certain, convinced, hopeful and in the next moment I am uncertain, unconvinced, doubtful with a little fear thrown in to top it all off.

Last night I hopped on the treadmill...finally.  Mondays are short easy runs on our training schedule.  Billie and I decided we'd go it alone on Mondays rather than waking at 5 AM.  I, of course, put off the running till around 9 PM last night because I am an exceptional procrastinator.

It felt like a long two miles.  I didn't like it.  And then my thought process went from "I want to run, it makes me feel good, need to stick to the training program, I can do this, God wants me to do this."  to...

"Running is the dumbest thing ever, why do I do this again, this hurts, this is boring, what was the point of a 1/2 mary again?  Why bother?  WHY?!?!"

And then I caught myself...

One of those moments where I have that outer body experience, as if I'm watching myself having the above thought process.   The moment where I realize what my thought process has turned into.  The moment I replace whatever is going through my head with truth.

The truth is:

• Sometimes it's gonna hurt more than others.  I need to push through it and stop repeating the process of quitting when it just gets too tough.
• It's not just about running.  It's about discipline.  It's about sacrifice.  It's about commitment.  It's about finishing the goal that He has set before me.  
• It's about allowing Him to complete a work in me that seems nearly impossible.
• He has given me a body that is capable of running...it is a gift.  
• I am not allowed to quit on this one.
• it doesn't matter if I like it all the time.

I've said it a million times before, but the first 1/2 mile of any run is killer for me.  Hate it.  Actually, the first couple are rather painful.  It took me a long, long time to consistently run past that 2 mile point.  Because no matter what those experienced runners told me about it getting easier, about getting into a rhythm...I didn't believe them.  I believed it was different for me.  I believed that it hurt right now, which meant it was going to hurt EVEN WORSE later.  So I would run to the point of pain and quit.

I could throw in a breast-feeding analogy here, but I'll save that analogy for another time ;)

Back to my previous thought...running to the point of pain and never through it just made me MISERABLE.  And it kept me believing my own lie.  

Sometimes I do the same thing in real life.

Through training, the 1/2 mary will be physically possible...whether I really believe it right now is not the point.  It doesn't change the truth.  I need to follow the plan set before me, even when I don't feel like it...even when it's thoroughly painful and not any fun at all...because the goal...when I finish that impossible race, I will have conquered more than 13.1 miles.

I am learning a painful lesson.  Physically and spiritually it is about sticking to the plan, moving forward, adding more to what seems impossible...because I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13)

Pin It

The Post Following a Holiday...

May is insane.

Insanely busy.

But still fun...in a don't-blink-or-you'll-miss-it kinda way.

Let's recap for a moment.

Friday night was a Mother/Daughter Tea for our church ladies...or as I like to call it Diet Coke and French Silk Pie...

Ben's Grandma, Ben's Mom, Me, My mom

Saturday was Run Like a Mother race day...

I'm not sure any race should be THAT much fun!

This was my friend Kim's first Run Like a Mother...YAY Kim!

Billie and I post race...she refuels with water...I refuel with coffee.

Sunday...Mother's Day...

Does it look like I'm holding them there, making them stand by me? Because I totally am.

Jasmine (little brother Jay's girlfriend), Mom, Me, Grandma

(note to self: next time you wear that dress, stick a belt over it in order to NOT look 6 months pregnant...sheeesh.)

Mom, Brother Ryan, and me...hugging...which is funny, because I'm not really a hugger...I'll save that for another post...

Hope you all had a fantastic weekend...I'm off to launder now ;)

PS - I'm really REALLY resisting the urge to let you know that brother Ryan is single and 23 and one of the greatest young guys you'll ever meet...although he does ride a motorcycle that goes too fast and causes me to worry for his safety. Did I mention he fixes my computer when it's slow too?!?

Sure glad I resisted...

Pin It

Emptying My Head...

It's been one of those weeks where there is something going on every day/night.  That pretty much sums up the month of May around here.

I have learned a thing or two this week though:

Monday:  Noah and Eli had a Spring Music Concert for school.  Jake was still not feeling great, but this could not be missed...so like any good mother I hauled him along and spread the germs around some more *sorry to the peeps of tiny town*  Anyways, I had an idea that turned out to be GENIUS.  Can I say that without sounding arrogant?  ;)    I downloaded an episode of Spongebob and Fragel Rock on my ipod and brought along the the headphones...it completely entertained him!  

Do you think it would be inappropriate to take it to church on Sundays in order to keep him quiet?  I'm kidding...KIDDING...sort of ;)

Last night was our final night of Kids Bible Club for the school year.  It was really a fantastic year...and it will be a fantastic break this summer too :)  It was supposed to start at 7 Pm.  I had about 10 kids here by 6:15 PM...they were a little bit excited.  We cooked up 100 hot dogs for the occasion...they ate them ALL.  Yeah.  There were somewhere between 40-50 kiddos...no one could get a good head count because they were constantly moving.  It was overwhelming (in a good way) to listen to them sing in worship to God.  This is our third year of Bible Club, never did I imagine it would become what it is, and I look forward to what God has planned for it in the future.  He reveals the details to me  on a need to know basis :)

Friday night is a mother/daughter thing at a cute little tea room.  It involves dessert...and coffee.   Need I say more.

Saturday is a 4 mile race...remember this?  It's a fun one.  Never mind that I haven't run yet this week because of sickness...oh well.  Gonna try to get a run in tonight after a community meeting where they value my opinion.  Ha.  

Did I mention I ran SIX miles last Saturday WITHOUT WALKING.  I know.  I KNOW!  That's the longest I've ever run at one time...and it felt good...and bad...like that song Hurts So Good :)

Billie and I were beyond excited with ourselves.  The idea of running 7 more miles on top of that for a 1/2 mary sounds nearly impossible, but we've got all summer yet to train...we'll get there...or die trying.  

And that there is enough blabbing for one post...until tomorrow my friends...

Pin It

Got Me Thinking...

I've been thinking a little lately about Pastor's wives.  As you already know, I sometimes find things funny that normal people would not think are funny.

Here's what I think is funny (and I will proceed to explain it to you in a way that butchers it and makes it un-funny...what can I say, it's a gift I have)...

So, in every church I've been a part of, the Pastor's wife is usually called upon to give devotionals at the "ladies get-togethers"  Oh you know what I'm talking about, bridal showers, baby showers, mother/daughter teas,  camp retreats etc.   Sometimes it's the pastor's wife of the actual church represented, or other times it's one from a neighboring church (of the same denomination of course *cough*)

I have a theory:  I think there are two lists that are out there regarding speaking engagements.  Because, somehow, becoming a pastors wife automatically qualifies you to give devotionals.  And when you do become a pastor's wife they put your name on one of the two lists.  They are as follows:

1. The Pastor's wife who is wise, soft spoken, experienced, well spoken, all around not going to say something crazy, well known by other churches because she faithfully attends all local, regional and state meetings. Her resume is good. 
2. The Pastor's wife who, although very sweet, is a tad unpredictable.   She hides out from many of the "meetings" hoping to  forever remain the "new girl" that no one in the association knows by name.   Her resume is a little "iffy" ...and she sometimes finds things funny that are not meant to be funny ;)

Guess which list I'm on?  *smile*  The truth is, no one put me on a list, I choose which list.

Neither list is right or wrong, they're both good...just different.  Different according to what God has called us to.  I like list 2.  For me, it's freedom...freedom to be who I am in Christ.  For those on list 1, it's freedom too, because it's what they're called to. Different but the same.  Make sense?

As women, we're called to different things in different seasons of our lives.  Let's be comfortable in what He's called us to, and let's encourage those who are called to something different than us.

I received an email recently that challenged me to really dig into what it means, as a woman, to intimately know Christ.  I came across this passage by T.D. Jakes in the book The Lady, Her Lover, and Her Lord...He says, 

 "Once a woman understands that Christ is her goal, she seems able to focus on Him, allure Him, and entertain Him with a level of praise that is so engrossing that she is healed by His touch and fulfilled by His Word.  I have seen women who were so impacted by His invisible presence that they were able to walk away from the presence of others who were far more tangible, but far less effective."

That's what I want.  That's the place I'm called to be.  Good stuff.

Pin It

How Dare They...

Dear McDonald's,

I'm so disappointed in you. Really. It's one thing to lure my children in with a happy meal boasting cheap plastic toys...I'm cool with that. They play with them on the ride home, leave them in the cracks of the mini van seats (along with the remains of their food) and a couple weeks later I locate them, and throw it all out.

No big deal.

But the other night after visiting your establishment (love the quarter pounders by the way) you inserted a Kidz Bop cd in with their food. Thus causing my children to beg and whine to listen to it...thus affecting me. Do you see where I'm going with this?

I gave it a shot. I didn't even recognize any of the pitiful songs until #5. I heard the familiar opening to one of my all time favorite songs....Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. I thought to myself...about time they pick a good one. And that's when it happened. The bleeding from my ears. No one could stop it fast enough. It was too late. Engraved in my brain forever...those voices. How dare you mess with Cyndi Lauper.

How dare you McDonald's. Is it not bad enough that you're(as in I have no responsibility in this *cough*) trying to corrupt my children with your yummy fattening/vein blocking food you now have to slaughter music too?!?

I'm very mad at you. :) I'm probably gonna even stay away from your drive thru for at least a week...or until those evil cd's are gone, whichever comes first.

And one more thing that's been irritating me...seriously, do you really think we're gonna choose sliced apples over french fries?!? Get real.

Sincerely,

The Parsonage Family

.................................................................................................................

Julie: This movie is a right of passage for every American girl...at least for my generation. I will of course make you watch it with me...even if you've already seen it ;)

ps - image courtesy of Google Images.

Pin It

My Three Year Old Self...

Jake's been running a fever since Saturday night.  In the wee hours of Saturday morning I began preparing myself for a no-church Sunday.

I don't like those very much.

I don't like being cooped up with a sick child, who tends to be extra demanding and even more difficult to reason with.  Oh, I love him to death.  And I would sit with him day in and day out if need be...you'd also likely find me cowering in a corner somewhere, rocking back and forth while sucking my thumb.  I'm just saying...

Anyways,  the kid looked miserable.  We're talking fever, flushed cheeks, dark circles, limp body...the whole nine yards.  None of this mattered to him.  All he knew was that he wanted more than anything to go to Sunday School.    He was insistent.  He stood in the mud room in his jammies and shoes pleading relentlessly for me to just let him go.

It's days like this that living in the parsonage right next to the church is NOT  exactly helpful.  He could hear everyone coming.  He could see the kids playing outside.  He stood at the window with tears streaming down his face...breakin' his mama's heart.

It blesses me to know he loves Sunday School so much.  I love that he wanted so desperately to be there.  I also knew all the valid reasons why he would need to sit this Sunday out.  Not only was he completely not up to it physically, he'd likely infect all the other little ones with his sickness.  And we all know what that cycle looks like in a little church.

As I watched him, in all his 3 year old stubbornness, I smiled because I knew his intentions were good.  Where and what Jake wanted was not the issue.  It was his condition that needed to change before he could go.  

I saw myself in him.  I saw myself standing in my mud room,  before my Heavenly Father, pleading my case on whatever it was (at the time) that I was convinced I was ready for.  Completely oblivious to my own physical, spiritual and emotional condition.   It was not pretty.

Just as I told Jake no, not this Sunday.  My Heavenly Father is saying, no...not yet.  He doesn't mean no, never...just not yet.  

And like my three year old, I eventually see that my will, no matter how big it is, is no match for the parent. 

Time to stop pleading and convincing God of something that He already knows I'm just not ready for.  Instead, I want to allow Him to show me what needs to change, what needs to be healed first, before He can allow me to move forward.  

Pin It

The One That Takes Too Long

I stole this from Amy Beth.  

When blogging, if I have to stare at the screen for more than 2 minutes before something comes to me, then I give up.  I'm not even exaggerating.  

Here's me, giving up: :)

1. First thing you wash in the shower?

Hair.  

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?

A Navy one from J Crew that I adore. 

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Everyday until I die...which I'm dieing before him, I've already called "dibbs" on it.

4. Do you plan outfits?

Only for special occasions.  

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?

Hungry.  

6. What’s the closest thing to you that’s red?

Photo Albums

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?

As if I could remember...

8. Did you meet anybody new today?

No, haven't even left the house yet.

9. What are you craving right now?

The left over burrito in the fridge...and some Sonic pop.

10. Do you floss?

Pffff.  Even after the terrible video the dentist forced me to watch on gum disease...no.  Except for a few days before my check up...I'm sure they're completely fooled by me.  *cough*

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?

Patch.  Lillith Willa, she was my first cabbage patch doll. 

12. Are you emotional?

Yes, but I hold it in a lot.

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000?

I think so.

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?

Both.

15. Do you like your hair?

I'm fickle.

16. Do you like yourself?

I do.  I might like myself too much.  

17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?

Yes...I think he's adorable.  Anyone who can make up words and phrases is automatically on my best friend list.  

18. What are you listening to right now?

Three year old boys arguing about going to play outside.

19. Are your parents strict?

They were, sometimes. Depended on the issue.

20. Would you go sky diving?

HECK NO.

21. Do you like cottage cheese?

I'll eat it occasionally.

22. Have you ever met a celebrity?

I live in Iowa...not likely.

23. Do you rent movies often?

Yep.

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you’re in?

Only my personality.  *gag*

25. How many countries have you visited?

Mexico and Jamaica.  

26. Have you made a prank phone call?

In 5th and 6th grade it entertained us all the time.  In the dark ages, before caller id.

27. Ever been on a train?

Nope.  Which is sad, don't ya think?

28. Brown or white eggs?

Either, I have no idea what the difference is.  

29. Do you have a cell phone?

Yes, I love it.  

30. Do you use Chap Stick?

and carmex and lip gloss...love 'em.

31. Do you own a gun?

I'm still debating whether I can handle carrying pepper spray.

32. Can you use chop sticks?

Rebecca from Taiwan tried to teach me.  I don't have time for such things...give me a shovel.

33. Who are you going to be with tonight?

Ben and I are going to a date and the boys are going to G&G's house.

34. Are you too forgiving?

No.  I tend to be too unforgiving most of the time.  Thus the need for God's constant reminder of His endless patience with myself.

35. Ever been in love?

With Ben...since I was 15 years old.  

36. What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow?

One of them is going to be running 6 miles with me.

37. Ever have cream puffs?

Of course.

38. Last time you cried?

Good Friday when I attempted to watch The Passion.

39. What was the last question you asked?

"Can I go outside?"

40. Favorite time of year?

Summer and fall.

41. Do you have any tattoos?

No, never even contemplated it.  

42. Are you sarcastic?

Only to people I know well...then I can't seem to turn it off.

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?

I don't even know what that is.

44. Ever walked into a wall?

yep.

45. Favorite color?

right now...green.  

46. Have you ever slapped someone?

Across the face: no.  On the butt: yes

47. Is your hair curly?

Yes.

48. What was the last CD you bought?

I'm an ipod girl now.

49. Do looks matter?

They do.  Which is hard to swallow.  Anyone who says differently is lieing.

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater?

I see people forgive them all the time.  I'm continually in awe of their ability to do it, because deep down I don't know that I could.  But God's grace allows me to do things I never thought I could...praying I never have to find out.

51. Is your phone bill sky high?

Higher than I think it should be.

52. Do you like your life right now?

I do.

53. Do you sleep with the TV on?

Nope.

54. Can you handle the truth?

About other people: yes.  About myself:  harder to swallow.

55. Do you have good vision?

I wear contacts.

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?

I don’t hate them, but I do dislike more than three people.

57. How often do you talk on the phone?

Sometimes, it feels like its all I do.

58. The last person you held hands with?

Jakob as we walked across the parking lot.

59. What are you wearing?

a green shirt, ripped jeans and gladiator sandles.

60. What is your favorite animal?

A weiner dog named Odie.

61. Where was your default picture taken at?

My house.

62. Can you hula hoop?

yep

63. Do you have a job?

According to Oprah its the hardest one in the world.  I disagree with her though...has she not met Jack Bauer?!?  

64. What was the most recent thing you bought?

Ground coffee at Starbucks.

65. Have you ever crawled through a window?

Yep.  My best friend and I used to crawl out of my bedroom window and sit on the roof of the garage...until my mom found us.  

This took FOREVER.  Shoulda stuck with my trusty bullet points...

Happy Friday!!

Pin It