Where'd the Fear Come From?!?

Updates:

• Eli is back to school
• I am feeling better!
• A lovely friend called and volunteered to take Jake today, God bless her.
• I always want a quiet house...and then when it's quiet, guess what I do...miss them. Good grief. I am going to be a terrible empty-nester I think.

Here's me thinking out loud today...

So, I may have mentioned before that I am a bit of a control freak.

I wish I wasn't...but I am.

I also mentioned before that there is one particular life-changing decision that I'm trying to give up control of. It is not particularly enjoyable, the process of letting go.

Part of the problem is...that I'm not quite sure which decision is actually the one that relinquishes control.

The other part of the problem is that I can't shut-up the inner dialogue in my head that keeps making pro and con lists...aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!

Really, as I type this, I'm thinking what would I tell someone in my particular predicament... (because I like telling other people how to obey ;)

So, if I were going to Dr. Phil myself, I would say...

• play out the "what-if" game to completion.
• How's that working for you?

And then I wonder...where is this fear coming from? The fear of something happening that I think I'm not ready for...after all, I can name a million things that have happened in my little life that I was pretty sure I couldn't handle...and it turns out, they're some of the biggest blessings.

You all know why...His strength, His leading, His plan. How can I look back at all of that and have any doubts of who is in control? What am I so scared of? When did this fear creep in?

It needs to go.

I wish I could share details with you. I wish I could put a little poll box at the top of my blog and ya'll could just cast a vote and then I would just do what you said...do you ever get to that point? Where you wear yourself out thinking about something and end up just wanting someone to tell you what you should do?!?

It's been my prayer for awhile now...God, just tell me what to do...and then I sit back and pout because it isn't "clear" enough. Truth is...He's been crystal clear...I just seem to keep clouding it up with my pro/con list. Dang lists.

Ya know what...through all this rambling, I've found some clarity.

I know what He wants...and I know that it may not be my first choice, but I trust Him.

I'm gonna trust Him, and walk through the fear.

And if I start to waiver (which I totally will), and revert back to my pro/con list in some upcoming post, it's your duty bloggy friends to remind me to walk in faith and not fear ;)

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Sickly...

Life in the parsonage today...

Sunday night Eli and I started feeling sick...both with different stuff.

Turns out his is Strep. He's on his 2nd day of staying home from school so that he doesn't infect his friends. First Day: Just felt lousy, laid around. Second Day: Feels great but still contagious...which means another day of Star Wars movies and building.

Jakob has been giddy the past two days with his new found freedom. Mom sick and brother sick means complete and utter access to all he wishes. This morning he fed himself (and Odie) shredded cheddar cheese...right from the bag. He's moved furniture around to accommodate his needs and dumped powdered laundry soap all over the mud-room...but not to worry, he assured me "It smells good, mom."

There is no rest for the weary...with Jake in the house. And I don't want to send him to a friend, because chances are...he's gonna get strep too...cause we share like that.

He is entertaining though...I give him that ;)

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I Heart Her...

There is a certain woman in my life who God ordained from the beginning.

There is no doubt.

I was the daughter, of her teenage daughter.

My mom tells the story of how right before I was born, she shared with my Grandma the name she had picked out for me. And my Grandma, who must have already read my un-born mind, said something to the effect of "why don't you name her something normal, like...Sarah."

Amen, Grandma. Amen.

She is the same woman who introduced me to:

• The gift of black coffee...in Kindergarten. (perhaps I'll just blame her for my slight addiction now ;)
• The bedtime snack of butter on saltine crackers.
• The best home-made noodles...ever.
• "Cold Bread" which is what my boys call her home-made bread because we store it in the fridge...
• Goldilocks and the Three Bears
• Crocheting...that I learned to do left handed (like her)...even though I am not left handed...and let's face it, I could never really get past that one single strand (that she let me make 12 feet long and wrap around the Christmas tree:)

My childhood memories that involve her are infinite.

I love her smile. I love how she LOVES babies. Her quiet strength. Her example of self-sacrificing love. The way she loves with food. The toys she still has from when I was little. Her ability to can just about anything...tomatoes, beans, jams, chili...The way she loves my boys, and the way they love her.

I love the smell of her house...because it's her.

And for some time now...she hasn't been feeling so great.

A little thing called Congestive Heart Failure...at least we all like to think pretend it's little...but some doctor's appointments recently suggest otherwise.

Dang Doctor's and their reality checks...

This post is for her...Grandma, it's just a little bit of all the reasons I love you. I wish my writing abilities allowed me to more eloquently put it into words (we'll blame that on my dad's side *wink*) I have always known how proud of me you are...not because of anything I had done...but because of who I was, the person I was...the woman I am. I hope that you too, know that I feel the same way about you. I love being your grand-daughter. I love you.

I am praying for God's wisdom to be poured out on your doctors, and for the Ultimate Healer's hands to be upon you and most importantly, that you know and feel just how big His love for you is.

Now...I told my mom I was going to blog about Grandma, so my mom passed along the information to her...to which Grandma said "She's gonna what?" *smile*

Time to introduce Grandma to the blog world...which means I will print this off for her to read...so, if all my lovely friends (which by the way, is all of you) would leave me a comment and let my Grandma know you'll be lifting her before His throne, I would be ever so thankful AND I'll be able to show her that I do have some friends...even if you are all imaginary *wink*

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I'm Usually In the Way...

The Lord is pushing me out of my comfort zone on something.

Way WAY out of my comfort zone...so far so that when I turn around and look back I can't even find my beloved comfort zone.

But...I'm gonna trust Him...and try not to get in the way.

And there's the problem...me...my way.

I want it to be His way...whatever that may be.

So I'm letting go.

And that is a little scary :)

That's all I can share for now...but if God's shoving you out of your comfort zone, I'd be happy to know I'm in good company ;)

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There's No Denying It...

I remember being pregnant with my first child (Noah) and dreaming of who he would look like. Then with my 2nd baby (Eli) I wondered if he'd look like Noah...the answer to that was no. Then with Jake I wondered if the baby would look like one of his brothers, or totally different. Turns out, he looks a little like both of them.

Here's a pic of all three (as if you haven't seen them before ;)

The general reaction though, when people see Eli (middle), is "You look like your daddy!"

Yeah, yeah, yeah, he looks like his daddy is generally the reaction in my head :) I think it's adorable that my boys look like their daddy...after all, I happen to think he's quite handsome BUT I did carry each of them for 9 months...puked my guts out the first couple with each baby...gained and lost an enormous amount of weight each time...and managed to push each one out (with the help of an epidural of course.) JUST ONCE it might be nice to hear..."Man, that one really looks like you!"

That doesn't happen.

On Tuesday, Ben's mom sent home these two pictures of Ben when he was a little boy.

And here's Eli (holding his cousin):

And when I saw the pictures, I said "Eli, you look just like daddy!" Go figure ;)

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I Am Everyday People

Again today...nothing.

Oh I do have one thing...that's actually quite interesting and meaningful, but you'll have to wait for Monday for that one. I know, I know, you're wondering how on earth you'll make it through the weekend with all the pent up anticipation *insert tongue in cheek*

Points of interest or just points...

• Jake and I ran to Target this morning because I needed some cold medicine and some Kleenex with vicks (at the recommendation of this real life friend:) Oh sure, there's places closer than Target...but not with a Starbucks inside ;) I'm sick afterall... ;)


• Those Kleenex with Vicks...best invention ever (next to Starbucks and cooked bacon of course) They are fabulous. You can bet that by the end of this day EVERYONE I come into contact with with be made aware of how wonderful I think they are...cuz I'm annoying like that.


• This may sound weird (and all you runners out there can go ahead and back me up on this one) but when I have a head cold, running is about the only time it feels better! Weird, I know, but it seriously clears my head.


• Heee Haw tastes like Mt. Dew...well it's supposed to anyways.


• Jake and I grooved to this song over and over and over on the way to Target.(I found it on an old WOW CD in my van...I had no idea it was on there...who knew?!?) Go listen, (but not to the first 11 seconds of the video, cuz that's NOT the song...the real song starts at 12 seconds ;) it's a good happy Friday song.


• Hope ya'll have a fantastic weekend!

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I Could...

I can't come up with anything interesting today.

I tried.

I could tell you:

• that the upstairs of my home (where the bedrooms are) is a total disaster, and that even if I do laundry from this moment until midnight tonight it still would not be done.
• that I plan on staying in my jammies all day...after all, I'm cleaning, and running tonight...why get ready. Seriously.
• That I am so bursting at the seams with joy at what God is doing in our tiny church that I can't even blog about it...because the words I come up with don't convey it right. But I can say that we're starting to burst at the seams of our little church building, and have more than run out of classroom space, and I see people loving each other, ministering to one another and desiring to let God change them...it brings me to tears whenever I think about it...and humbles me that God has allowed us to be a part of it.
• I have a cold and a headache that makes me want to crawl back in bed for the day.
• I'm a wimp and a whiner when I have a cold ;)
• I may be more popular through this tiny little blog than I'm am in real life...My hubby (who's also "The FedEx Man") runs into people all the time that inform him they read his wife's blog...which totally makes me smile, and then immediately think about all the hodge-podge of stuff they now know about me ;)
• I wish I knew these people in real life...and I wish I knew how each person found out about the blog...because that there is GOOD stuff that Sitemeter can't quite help me with.
• tell you that I'm drinking this right now...

Yep...I live in Iowa and I drink generic pop called Hee Haw. HEE HAW. This completely and utterly amuses me...could I BE more of a hick?!? Don't answer that. This is one of those cases where I can make fun of it...because I'm from here, born, raised, and came back to live here...because it really truly is who I am :) It's like when you're a kid, and you can be as mean to your siblings as you want to...but no one else better think they can be mean to them ;)

• that I'm also eating this right now:Fully cooked bacon: best invention ever. No amount of running can possibly keep up with the effects of the amount of bacon I consume. I love you bacon.
• There you have it: The true diet of an Iowan. Hee Haw and bacon for breakfast.
• Oh I kid...I won't inflict my weirdness on the entire state...
• wrap this post up...

Happy Thursday...which means tomorrow is Friday...WOO HOO! I heart Fridays. (Also, I caught myself saying "I heart something" the other day, and let me just tell you...it sounds weird when you say it...WEIRD.

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