Sometimes...

Sometimes I start a post five different times because what I thought I wanted to write about ends up sounding dumb.  Or boring.  Or both.  

Today is one of those days.

Sometimes they get too wordy, and I lose my train of thought along the way.  Hate when that happens.  Sometimes, what God is teaching me is so personal and gut wrenching to me, that my limited vocabulary and writing skills (laziness) do it no justice and so I choose silence.

I'm a "so you get the gist of it" kinda blogger.  Not big on details.  Or grammar *cough*  So, in true Sarah form, here's my life:  The Gist it anyways.

In a few short weeks, we will have been in tiny town for five years.  It's got us reflecting on our time here thus far.  Five years ago we came into full time ministry with so much excitement.  We hadn't a clue what we were doing, and we knew it.  Calling on God for His wisdom and assistance was simple.  Without a doubt we needed His help.

And then somehow, as it always seems to happen in my life, I settled in.  Familiarized myself with this ministry thing.  With the community.  With routine.  And called it good.

Turns out, as it always does, that my standard of good is not even close to what God has planned.  Why do I so easily settle for my pathetic version of good?   Oh, the list of reasons is quite long...I'll spare you.

At a friends recommendation, I picked up a book recently.  It took just a few pages before that feeling of "oh this book is talking directly to me" hit.    For some reason, somewhere in the process of "settling in" I also unconsciously decide that I can handle things on my own.  The "I got this!" attitude.  Without even realizing it, I had viewed ministry as a job like any other.  You know,  the experienced worker trains the newbie and before long, the newbie is no longer an idiot and can actually do the job on their own.  Simple.  Except...in ministry, without God, I'll always always always be  the idiot.  

When your husband is a pastor, it is not his job.  It is your life.

I don't mean that negatively.  I mean that ministering to people is a way of life.  No clocking in and clocking out.  You're always on.  Pretty much like parenting.   And, it really is a good thing.  It's what God has called Ben and I to.  Together.  It is a privilege.  And a burden.  It's not something that very many people understand, I'm not sure I understand it yet myself.  What I do know, is that I need the Holy Spirit's leading and empowering to accomplish what He has planned.  

On my own, I have nothing to offer. I take that back, I do.... such things as apathy, annoyance, criticism, attitude, unforgiveness, harshness, loathing.  I could go on.  And on.  It's not pretty.  And it accomplishes nothing for Christ.  

At the end of the day, I want to be able to look back and see what God accomplished through me for that day.  That's where I'm at.  One day at a time.  

I wanna leave you with this quote:

It is true that God may have called you to be exactly where you are.  But it's absolutely vital to grasp that He didn't call you there so you could settle in and live out your life in comfort and superficial peace.  His purposes are not random or arbitrary.  If you are still alive on this planet, it's because He has something for you to do.  He placed us on this earth for purposes that He orchestrated long before we were born (Eph. 2:8-10).  Do you believe you exist not for your own pleasure but to help people know the love of Jesus and to come fully alive in Him?  If so, then that will shape how you live your life in the place where you are.

                   Francis Chan, Forgotten God

I want God to be shaping how I live each day...it's certain to look much different than my version.

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