I'm feeling very contemplative lately. Maybe it's the lack of sleep. Maybe it's the isolation that mothering a newborn brings. I've been sucked into my own little world of feeding, diapering, snuggling, feeding, feeding, feeding, well...you get the idea. Or maybe it's God trying to show me something about myself that I really don't want to see.
I'm savoring every moment of this newborn-fog, because I know how soon it will be over. Gone like a flash. And I know how much I'll miss it. Yet, it's hard to escape the sense of invisible I feel lately. I don't mean "invisible" in a depressed sort of way. I know my value. I know my purpose. I know the hope I have, because God is in those. I mean "invisible" in a disconnected from other life activities sort-of-way. It's made me realize that life goes on without me.
Friends will find others who have time to lend advice or just a listening ear...
Ministry will continue and even flourish...without my constant attendance...
My boys will survive without their momma knowing every detail of their day...
Running partners will find new running partners...
Life continues on...it doesn't stop to wait. It doesn't fall apart because I'm not there.
It's got me contemplating. Why does that hurt my pride so much? How can it make me feel both relieved and insecure at the same time? Relived that I don't hold all things together. (Big surprise, I know) Relived that I can step aside and take a break. And the ugly insecurity? It's for the exact same reasons...weird.
Pride (for me) always always always causes a host of problems. It's always on-going. Kinda like weeding flower beds. One day you can spend countless hours pulling the nasty weeds, and you go to bed that night thinking man, my flower beds look perfect...go me! Only to wake up the next morning to find dozens of weeds have seemingly grown within hours. And then, if you're me, you think ahhh...why bother weeding at all?!? Dumb things just keep growing no matter what. So I give up for awhile...until one day I notice how terrible my yard looks! They can only be ignored for so long. Sooner or later they're blatantly obvious. There's no ignoring them anymore.
That is pride for me today. Blatantly obvious. Not very pretty to look in the mirror at. Time to undo it.
- Sarah@Life in the Parsonage
- Wife to Ben, who also happens to be the Pastor of a sweet little church in a tiny little town. Mama to three boys and little Lucy. We live in the parsonage, 27 steps from said little church. This is the journey...it involves lots of run-on sentences.
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The Fringe Hours
I am really amazed lately by how much we are affected by the need to be needed and wanted. We are driven by it, we live by it, we feel secure in it. Especially in relationships. We fear not being needed by our friends and loved ones. It is a great reminder to tell others how much we need them even when we are scared that they no longer need us. But that is what friendships/relationships are about.
ReplyDeletelove you and need you. *smile*
a HUGE AMEN to this post!!! I can relate to the weed analogy, in fact, my hubs just spoke on weeding our lives in youth group. Thank for sharing!
ReplyDelete-Rachelle
How is it I am sooo able to relate to just about everything you post??? :) If we lived a little closer I'd love to be your running partner. But, I bet I'm WAY slower than you!
ReplyDeleteYep, totally get you here! I remember coming back to work after maternity leave thinking they'd have all these questions and be all like, we didn't know what to do without you...ummm not so much! haha!
ReplyDeleteTry to have fun with the break, you'll be back at conquering the world before you know it!
Enjoyed this post!! BTW you have a great looking family.
ReplyDeleteCome see me.
Yeah, I've kinda been feeling sorry for myself too. I have a 3 year old and 7 month old and have been feeling disconnected somewhat because I had forgotten how confining an infants schedule can be.
ReplyDeleteI struggled the most with this when I was big & pregnant with my first child. I was pitiful. It was hot. We had just moved to a new town. NO ONE 'needed' me. Terrible! Silly (sort of) but I was miserable.
ReplyDeleteThat is the beautiful part of the blog-o-sphere... you can 'reach out' and be a part of lots of us...anytime you have time. Maybe you haven't showered in three days, maybe it is 2 am... but regardless... 'we' are here.
AND LET ME TELL YOU... I NEED YOU! I have taken a much needed break from hectic.. one of the first things to go was posting at my blog. It helped take the pressure off. Then I stopped commenting. I don't know why... but I NEVER stopped reading.
Keep up your valiant work as a wife, a mommy, a friend, a runner, and MOST IMPORTANTLY (to me) a blogger. :-)
Thanks for being so vulnerable. I have found myself lately in a lonely rut too..
ReplyDeleteLoving this newborn stage right along with you, I get sad that I'm not closer to share it more on a daily basis.
Miss ya and Love ya sis...thanks for the good thoughts to chew on today
Great post~ I love the idea of pride being like weeds! How true! Just keeps popping up! And the weeds don't always look the same...just like pride:(
ReplyDeleteThanks for your honesty...we all have invisible seasons and feel that pain time to time! Your baby Lucy is so very sweet:)!!!
I like "contemplative" Sarah. Good stuff.
ReplyDeleteLove you!
Just wanted to let you know I just gave you an award! http://www.lifelovegreen.com/2010/05/my-first-and-second-blog-award/#content
ReplyDelete