More Than Enough...

For some strange reason the topic of getting old has been coming up in a lot of my conversations...

I have a few theories/preferences/weirdness issues when it comes to getting old and dieing.

Granted, I have a certain guarantee that death will eventually happen...oldness, not so much. I very well could die before ever reaching old age...but this does not stop my "planning my life out in my head" game.

You do that too, right? Tell God the order of things. I generally arrange "my order" of things in a way that I think will cause ME the least amount of pain and inconvenience. That's how unselfish I am.

Impressed, aren't you ;)

My random list:

• I'd like to live to be old...but not too old. I'd still like all my mental and physical capacities in order.
• I'd prefer not to die of something long, painful, and drawn out...but also not anything too quick, that way I can say good-bye.
• I'm totally ok with the idea of assisted living. Heck, I'll probably be 65 and trying to get them to let me in! (But I want Ben and I to go to one with friends, of course ;) But nursing homes...not so much. No thanks.
• If Ben dies before me (which he can't because in my plans, I die first, thus not having to live without him) BUT if he does die first...I'm not remarrying. I'm moving to the pasture by his parents and building a house in it...the cows can eat the grass/yard and I won't have to mow.
• I told him to tell me he's never going to remarry ;) Oh sure...he can if he wants to, but while I'm alive, we'll just say he's not going to.
• Preferably, we both die at the same time...like in the movie "the notebook"...except I could live without the whole Alzheimer's thing.
• I want a closed casket at my funeral. If there's people that feel the need to look, by all means, take a peek...but otherwise...no thanks.
• No singing of How Great Thou Art. I know, it is a really beautiful song...but it's been sung at all sorts of funerals I've gone too, and it creeps me out a little.
• The list goes on and on...for real.

Oh I joke.

I make light of serious stuff.

It's a coping mechanism...and it doesn't for one second change or influence what God has planned.

Someday, I will lose ones that, as of right now, I don't believe I could live on this earth without.

My whole life I've watched it happen to people close to me. Losing grandparents, moms to cancer, a father hit by a falling tree, suicides, a husband in a tragic car accident, teenagers in car accidents, miscarriages, a beautiful sleeping baby...the list goes on.

None of those people had that in "their plans." Each have suffered, and walked down a path they did not choose on their own.

Every time I can't help but stand by and watch in awe as they carry on with life...living through the pain.

And I often wonder...when is my turn? Life is life...one can only go for so long before personally affected by loss.

When I think about it...I mean really think about it, I realize that the fear of it could become all-consuming...

But it isn't. I know pain and loss and suffering will come...someday. But I have the comfort and peace of knowing no matter what may come, He is with me. On my own, it's certainly stuff I could not handle, but with Him...I will.

I will also have those who have walked down the road before me, living through it, sharing and knowing the journey. And that too, conquers fear.

For those of you who are living through it right now, my heart is with you. It hurts for you...and hopes for you. And most of all, it's thankful that you are not alone...and that Jesus is big enough to fill even the deepest and widest caverns of pain.

More than enough.

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